歡迎 - Rite of Welcoming

I was officially welcomed into the Church this past weekend. As I stood up there being introduced to the congregation I realized that this is one aspect I really need to work on - community. I like helping others, I don't like being with others. I'd be that silent benefactor in the distance who never reveals their name if I could. I just don't deal well with interpersonal relationships. After Mass I ran as quickly as I could so I wouldn't have to deal with meeting tons of well wishers.

I appreciate the welcome, I just don't know how to handle it. So they had their special tea and cookies after without me which suits me just fine. :\ But I do feel a bit guilty because it was intended to be a welcoming thing for myself and my roommate.

I've never been very good at mingling and small talk and all that nonsense that goes along with getting to know strangers. But without the mingling and small talk and all that nonsense you don't ever get to know people, do you? Ah well... This whole Christian Community thing and I don't necessarily get along all that well but I am quite sure the Holy Spirit will guide me as He wishes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-social necessarily... I've just never known how to deal with other Christians. I've spent my life surrounded by non-believers primarily so this is weird and new for me. This is definitely something I need to learn.

Anyway, Christmas is nearly upon us. The Advent is nearly done.

I've never been to Midnight Mass but I anticipate it with baited breath and an anxious heart (because I am still unworthy to meet my savior).

Up and Down - Life's Rollercoaster

After two straight weeks of a headache I am now finally feeling better and so I have time to refocus my attention.

The Christmas season is quickly approaching. A few weeks ago the Priest joined us for RCIA and he made a comment about the second coming of Christ being a 'personal' and 'individual' second coming (basically) and that made my week... it made my month even.

I haven't been abandoned, you know? Sometimes I can't help but feel a little bit forgotten, a little bit shoved to the side... a little unimportant, but I haven't been abandoned.

I AM loved.

I love that feeling. Right now I'm still in the remorse part of this journey. Whenever I remind myself just how much our Father loves us I can't help but sob, because I am so unworthy and I have disappointed Him so greatly.

Yesterday my cousin learned the difference between mortal, grave and venial sin and she let out a triumphant, "HA! I haven't committed any mortal sins! That's great!" With a huge smile she flopped onto the bed and rejoiced. As I watched her I wanted to be happy for her but instead there was that old remorse again... and just a tiny bit of envy.

I really wish I hadn't committed any mortal sins. But I have. And they eat away at my heart. It really is like an illness. I feel like I have cancer, and until my team allows me to partake of confession (surgery to remove the tumor - essentially) I will have this piece inside of me that doesn't belong. A piece that's mutated into something not human.

But we don't stop loving people because they're sick, and God doesn't stop loving us because we failed.

:)

I am loved.

And not by my faulty human brothers and sisters (although I appreciate their love too - even if I don't always trust it), by the most powerful being in the Universe.

I am loved by the Creator of everything.

And you are too!

Isn't that amazing?