Breaking my Heart

I'm having a bit of a difficult time the last few days. I received the news two days ago that my father is no longer employed and also that his illness has reached such a point that he's in real danger of losing his life (according to my mother). There is no cure for what he has... it can't get better. All he can do is try to take better care of himself so he's in relative comfort. The problem is he doesn't take care of himself. He's always been healthy, he doesn't know how to modify his behavior for a sick body.

To top this off I became the sounding board for a family member who's having marital issues. As much as I appreciate being a vessel of God's love for her it left me so emotionally drained that I went home and just sobbed for awhile.

My family is breaking my heart. There's really nothing I can do to help them and that's the worst feeling in the world. I can only listen, that's all.

I remember my sister telling me once not to let others sadness seep into me but I can't NOT feel affected by the pain of those around me. I can't stop it. I've always been this way. When you hurt, I hurt. I don't know how to stop that feeling.

So here I am, completely depressed, and RCIA decides to be another trying night. This REALLY is a trial by fire... because when I'm at my weakest they bring out every annoying, frustrating, irritating tactic they have. I didn't handle it very well, but I just had no energy left to refocus my attention. So I spent the evening in silence, contemplating how useless the whole thing was (we had a 'review' night, except the leader treated it as if all the information was BRAND NEW - uh, no, we covered all this weeks ago... don't know why that irritated me so much but it did). Ah... I don't know.

This will pass, I never stay depressed for long but right now I just want to curl up in a ball far away from everyone and everything.

Arrogance

Tonight was very humbling. I get caught up in arrogance very easily. I come from a very prideful family. I suppose I must have been giving off an air of 'I know all this' lately because tonight it seemed as if the team leader was determined to humble me and it definitely worked.

In jest, a few times, I've made the joking remark that I know more then those who are supposed to be teaching me about the Church but I know this isn't true. Their interest may not be the same as mine so I may know more about certain topics but that doesn't mean I know more about the CHURCH. I was not raised Catholic, there is SO MUCH I don't know about the Church. It was meant as a joke but I know that my intent was not properly aligned.

I have been very frustrated that so much time has been spent trying to force us into introspection but now that things are moving more into the line of facts and information it's easy to humble myself again.

So, all this to say that tonight was a good lesson in humility. I only hope I can remain broken, because when my pieces slide back into place that ugly pride rears up again and I'm simply not strong enough yet to fight it.

Holy Father, humble me, break me, fill me, make me anew. Mold as You will, not as I will. Amen.

Dinner...

Is it sad that at 28 years old I've never been invited to dinner at a strangers home before? A lady from Church kindly invited me to dinner tonight and I am so nervous I feel sick. Hah. What a coward I am.

I've been thinking about my 'Christian family' a lot lately. It is true that when you meet someone and they find out you're Christian and they are too that their attitude changes. Somehow that common bond makes people feel a bit more relaxed. It's also true that even though we have this common bond we are still strangers.

I've always felt that while it's nice that being Christian will bring me closer to other Christians, that it's sad people aren't kinder to those who aren't in the 'family'. It's sad that they aren't kind to me until they know what I am. Sometimes Christian love doesn't seem to extend outside the family.

That's not always the case but it seems to be what I've experienced most often in my life. Part of the blame is on myself, I know that, because I'm an odd duck and people tend to run the other way when they run into a duck that quacks like a chicken.

But I've realized that I do it too. I'm more loving towards strangers whom I know share my faith. I'm more prone to trying to engage them in conversation, or even in a joke. I'm more likely to compliment them, or help them find a good deal in the store. It's funny how we often become the thing we dislike the most.

What was the point of this post? Just that I want to treat everyone, especially those who are NOT in the family, with love. We aren't here for those who are home, we are here for those who are lost out there in the world... we're here for those who are stumbling in the desert...

It's not all about me. The reality is I'm here to encourage others and it's about time I accepted my role.

Gracious God.
Take my hand.
Lead me home.
Amen.

God is love - 天主是愛

There is a mission going on at our parish right now. We have gatherings for the next four days. I will be unable to attend.

Tonight was the only meeting I will be able to make and it was wonderful. However, it is very awkward to tear up when you're front and center. Fighting tears left me with a headache. Pride gets in the way yet again.

It was strange to hear ideas that I have gradually been coming to terms with parroted back at me. 'You do not earn God's love. God loved you first, how you respond to His love will not stop Him from loving.' Was the basic message of the night.

The biggest question I have been struggling with since it became clear to me that I have indeed experienced a Pauline conversion (complete with a kick in the butt) is why. I AM NOT SPECIAL. I'm really not. Why did God single me out and grant me such grace? That's the one concept that I continually stumble on but more and more I am coming to terms with the simple fact that God loves me. Just as I am. I don't have to do anything. He just loves me. Period.

That's such a powerful and difficult concept to fully grasp for me.

I suppose this life hasn't taught me much about unconditional love, so it's a very foreign concept.

There is a song I stumbled upon a week or so back that has become almost a prayer for me lately. I'd like to share it:

I know that you love me and you know I love you too
Everybody's letting go but lord I found you
Love is patient, love is kind Your love just blows my mind
I can't begin to comprehend that you're my lover my best friend
Even though I've turned my back on you through time and again
How do you do it, God how You keep forgivin and give
Unfailing love you have, You Live to love and love to live,
Carrying us, as You cry when we start to sin.
How to articulate or calculate the pain of his fate
I'll do my best to do the same to reach the pearly white gates.
I'll just be thankful for the blessings that you gave to me
Lord I know I don't deserve it, but you want me to see.
That your heart keeps givin, when I'm faithless you believe
Intimacy is what I want, into me you see
So break me, kill me, fill me, humble me, Oh God oh please.
On my knees until they bleed, if it meant that you've agreed
To let me go deeper with the keeper of my heart
To the depths of forever times it by infinity
I've seen it before I never knew the score
I'm wide awake and watching
as the world explodes
Forgive them for they don't know what they do Lord
And give me the strength to stay true
Now I close my eyes to hear the voice of that the Holy Spirit
Cause the devil tries to laugh so loud for the world to hear him
First John 4:18 God's love is supreme,
Stop the beat for a second, so you hear my heart sing~
Love came down and rescued me~
Love came down and set me free~
Free at last, free at last, I'm finally free from the past
Never again will the devil take away all I have
Do not let the world steal your feelings from you
Love faith live are my words of wisdom for you.
Evangelize, prophesize with Holy tongues of might
And begin to stand and fight as a soldier of light.
No more fears, no more tears unless it's for His Holiness
God I wait for the day when every tongue will confess
Save me lord I never meant to be this way
I'd given up on everything and all I had was pain
Oh why why do we play these games
I'd given up most everything to be with me
I've seen it before I never knew the score
I'm wide awake and watching as the world explodes
Forgive them for they don't know what they do Lord
And give me the strength to stay true


~
And if you'd like to hear the song you can hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by4EqYYr0BI

I'm a bit tired and a bit senseless. I have nothing really pertinent to say. Except, maybe, that love isn't indulgent. There's another difficult concept when you've grown up in this society but it's truth. Indulgence is harmful and love does not harm. So love is not indulgence.

I'll remember that next time I feel tempted to pray that my lotto ticket will win. ;)

Rosary

Today a coworker randomly presented me with a rosary. I've known her three years (just about) and in that time we've never before exchanged gifts. This was a 'for no good reason' gift. She is not religious but she and I have discussed religion a few times. She is one of those people who while having no particular belief of her own is respectful of those who respect themselves (she has no respect for people who call themselves religious and then live openly anti-religious lifestyles - for example, a Christian who outright and blatantly lies...).

The rosary from her is not like any rosary I would have picked for myself and yet as I hold it I can't help but think it is the most beautiful thing I have ever been given. It is everything I now dislike in a rosary but everything I would have wanted in a rosary a year ago (no crucifix, delicate, necklacey). These days I like only wooden rosaries and I'm particular about the crucifix (as in, there must be one). And yet somehow I can't help but feel as if God has given me a little bit of grace through her with this gift.

You're right. I haven't been praying enough. I'm sorry. It's true, the rosary is my least favorite prayer... but I get the hint. I understand what you're trying to tell me through this seemingly 'random' occurence.

Most especially I am humbled by the knowledge that my God is so powerful that He can work through those who do not openly profess His name. Isn't it amazing how good He is? Last night for the first time in several weeks I knelt to pray before bed, and tonight I did the same, this time with my new girly rosary.

Rituals are important. Rituals keep us straight and even. Without ritual I forget. Life overwhelms me and next thing I know I'm fast asleep without having spent any real time in prayer. I pray throughout the day in brief spats but it's different. That's more me sending a quick word to God, not me taking a moment to listen to His response.

My nightly prayers are all about Him. They are a time of quiet, a moment of stillness in which I give Him a chance to speak to my overwhelmed brain, if He desires. Sometimes I definitely feel Him speaking to me in the moment and sometimes I hear His answer the next day. Either way two-way prayer is only effective when I give Him the attention He deserves.

Thank you Dear Father for this beautiful little rosary that my coworker gave me today. All good things come from you so I can say with confidence that she was the messenger and you were the ultimate gift giver. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful person to work with. The conversations I have with her always leave me smiling, but more importantly thinking. I will try to remember her whenever I use this rosary to pray. Perhaps, even, that's what you want? I'm sure you'll let me know. Thank you for never forgetting me. I am ever your servant. Sometimes not so faithful, sometimes not so bright, sometimes not so good, but always yours.

中國人? Well... are you?

Just for the fun of it I'm currently studying Chinese. Recently I hit a little bit of a personal milestone... I know 50 words in Chinese. Now, that may not seem like much but to me it's rather exciting. Anyway, today my new words were pretty important so I thought I'd share them.

天主
天主教

The first word, 天主 is how a Christian says God in Chinese. It means 'Lord of Heaven', if I understand correctly. I haven't completely figured out the pronunciation yet but I still think it's pretty beautiful.

Lord of Heaven and Earth. Lord of Heart and Soul. Lord of Breath and Word. There are so many things we could  call Him, but I think Heavenly Father will always be my favorite and 天主 comes pretty close to that I think. :)

The second word is 天主教, which stands for the Catholic Church. What it literally means is Religion of the Lord of Heaven. Hee.

This is a pretty pointless post but hey! If you ever go to China you'll know how to find the Church at least. :)

Unworthy

As the incense rose towards the stark ceiling the priest's words repeated themselves inside my head; 'In baptism our brother died with Christ and we hope in death he will also share in Christ's resurrection.'

In that moment I was sure that Pa was indeed sharing in Christ's resurrection. The tears I had shed earlier were forgotten for one joyous moment. The incense completely overwhelmed my senses. As the casket was wheeled away I wanted to do nothing but kneel and praise our God. our wonderful, forgiving God.

We work out our salvation with fear and trembling. This week I realized that those who are confident in their salvation are blessed but perhaps they are also slightly immature in their spirituality. The reality is we are, none of us, worthy of our Lord's love. We are, none of us, worthy of salvation. We have no right to be in His presence, we have no right to receive any of His blessings. And yet there are some of us who have forgotten this.

This society lulls us into a false sense of entitlement and I can see it more and more in my Christian brothers and sisters. It doesn't surprise me when a non-Christian says; "What kind of evil God would damn people to hell?" It does surprise me when a Christian brother or sister expresses such a sentiment.

What kind of people demand ANYTHING of the Being that Created them?

What ungrateful, prideful, small minded creations we are.

I deserve nothing. I have earned nothing. My greatest deed on this earth amounts to nothing in the face of the glory of God. I can only work out my salvation with fear and trembling and hope, in the end, that He finds favor with me.

My best efforts, in the end, are miniscule. Thankfully our God does consider the intent of our heart so that when our efforts fall short He can still find the good. However, because He is forgiving, loving and kind does not mean I should take advantage of this. On the contrary I should work even harder to meet His expectations.

We cannot approach our faith with half of our heart. We cannot coast on God's love and make no more effort then is required. We must throw ourselves at God's feet mind, body and soul. Every action, every word, every thought must be focused on Him... this is the only way we can ever hope to be even slightly worthy of His grace.

Heavenly Father, I am not worthy to be in your presence. I have sinned, in my thoughts, in my words, in what I have done and what I have failed to do. I am broken and dirty, but if you would only say the word I will be clean. And perhaps in your infinite grace and mercy you will allow me to be in your shadow, for I know I am unworthy to meet you face to face. Even to be in your presence would be enough for this lowly servant. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us, but we routinely mock His sacrifice with our hardened prideful hearts. If it is your will, help us to not be so blind so that your Sacrifice will not be so willfully dismissed. In the name of the Father who gave us breath, the Son who gave us hope and the Holy Spirit who comforts us. Amen.