God is love - 天主是愛

There is a mission going on at our parish right now. We have gatherings for the next four days. I will be unable to attend.

Tonight was the only meeting I will be able to make and it was wonderful. However, it is very awkward to tear up when you're front and center. Fighting tears left me with a headache. Pride gets in the way yet again.

It was strange to hear ideas that I have gradually been coming to terms with parroted back at me. 'You do not earn God's love. God loved you first, how you respond to His love will not stop Him from loving.' Was the basic message of the night.

The biggest question I have been struggling with since it became clear to me that I have indeed experienced a Pauline conversion (complete with a kick in the butt) is why. I AM NOT SPECIAL. I'm really not. Why did God single me out and grant me such grace? That's the one concept that I continually stumble on but more and more I am coming to terms with the simple fact that God loves me. Just as I am. I don't have to do anything. He just loves me. Period.

That's such a powerful and difficult concept to fully grasp for me.

I suppose this life hasn't taught me much about unconditional love, so it's a very foreign concept.

There is a song I stumbled upon a week or so back that has become almost a prayer for me lately. I'd like to share it:

I know that you love me and you know I love you too
Everybody's letting go but lord I found you
Love is patient, love is kind Your love just blows my mind
I can't begin to comprehend that you're my lover my best friend
Even though I've turned my back on you through time and again
How do you do it, God how You keep forgivin and give
Unfailing love you have, You Live to love and love to live,
Carrying us, as You cry when we start to sin.
How to articulate or calculate the pain of his fate
I'll do my best to do the same to reach the pearly white gates.
I'll just be thankful for the blessings that you gave to me
Lord I know I don't deserve it, but you want me to see.
That your heart keeps givin, when I'm faithless you believe
Intimacy is what I want, into me you see
So break me, kill me, fill me, humble me, Oh God oh please.
On my knees until they bleed, if it meant that you've agreed
To let me go deeper with the keeper of my heart
To the depths of forever times it by infinity
I've seen it before I never knew the score
I'm wide awake and watching
as the world explodes
Forgive them for they don't know what they do Lord
And give me the strength to stay true
Now I close my eyes to hear the voice of that the Holy Spirit
Cause the devil tries to laugh so loud for the world to hear him
First John 4:18 God's love is supreme,
Stop the beat for a second, so you hear my heart sing~
Love came down and rescued me~
Love came down and set me free~
Free at last, free at last, I'm finally free from the past
Never again will the devil take away all I have
Do not let the world steal your feelings from you
Love faith live are my words of wisdom for you.
Evangelize, prophesize with Holy tongues of might
And begin to stand and fight as a soldier of light.
No more fears, no more tears unless it's for His Holiness
God I wait for the day when every tongue will confess
Save me lord I never meant to be this way
I'd given up on everything and all I had was pain
Oh why why do we play these games
I'd given up most everything to be with me
I've seen it before I never knew the score
I'm wide awake and watching as the world explodes
Forgive them for they don't know what they do Lord
And give me the strength to stay true


~
And if you'd like to hear the song you can hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by4EqYYr0BI

I'm a bit tired and a bit senseless. I have nothing really pertinent to say. Except, maybe, that love isn't indulgent. There's another difficult concept when you've grown up in this society but it's truth. Indulgence is harmful and love does not harm. So love is not indulgence.

I'll remember that next time I feel tempted to pray that my lotto ticket will win. ;)