Breaking my Heart

I'm having a bit of a difficult time the last few days. I received the news two days ago that my father is no longer employed and also that his illness has reached such a point that he's in real danger of losing his life (according to my mother). There is no cure for what he has... it can't get better. All he can do is try to take better care of himself so he's in relative comfort. The problem is he doesn't take care of himself. He's always been healthy, he doesn't know how to modify his behavior for a sick body.

To top this off I became the sounding board for a family member who's having marital issues. As much as I appreciate being a vessel of God's love for her it left me so emotionally drained that I went home and just sobbed for awhile.

My family is breaking my heart. There's really nothing I can do to help them and that's the worst feeling in the world. I can only listen, that's all.

I remember my sister telling me once not to let others sadness seep into me but I can't NOT feel affected by the pain of those around me. I can't stop it. I've always been this way. When you hurt, I hurt. I don't know how to stop that feeling.

So here I am, completely depressed, and RCIA decides to be another trying night. This REALLY is a trial by fire... because when I'm at my weakest they bring out every annoying, frustrating, irritating tactic they have. I didn't handle it very well, but I just had no energy left to refocus my attention. So I spent the evening in silence, contemplating how useless the whole thing was (we had a 'review' night, except the leader treated it as if all the information was BRAND NEW - uh, no, we covered all this weeks ago... don't know why that irritated me so much but it did). Ah... I don't know.

This will pass, I never stay depressed for long but right now I just want to curl up in a ball far away from everyone and everything.